Unsuitable for Combat

If I Were President... I would make everything go in REVERSE alphabetical order. That's what happens when you get a Yates for President.

So I went to Traffic Court today. Yeah. It sucked. But it was also kinda funny. Granted, it's taken several hours and two glasses of wine to get to "kinda funny," but at least we're there, right?

My ticket was for speeding, which here in Northern Virginia means, "Keeping up with the flow of traffic."

I brought a book so imagine my disappointment with the huge "No reading material including newspapers, magazines, or books not related to your case" sign on the door into the courtroom. What good does this do? Can someone please tell me?

So I wrote my updated To Do list, and then I sat and listened to the dozens of cases that were further up in the alphabet than me.

I heard one case involving a man who explained, through an interpreter, that he doesn't have a valid license because he can't read or write (even in Spanish) so he can't pass the driving test, but he has to get to work because he has a wife and four kids.

I heard one case involving a young nursing student who was traveling 96 mph in a 55 mph zone (on the freeway late at night, which is not at all uncommon here (although I would never do it)). She had a lawyer present her case and screamed in anguish when the judge sentenced her to 30 days in jail. She was crying so loudly in the holding room that the bailiff had to go in and move her so her cries of, "I'm scared!" wouldn't affect the rest of the proceedings. I listened to her father weeping two rows behind me.

I heard a bunch of false apologies for things like rolling through stop signs, making illegal u-turns, and expired tags/expired licenses/expired safety checks. And the judge just handled each case like you'd expect a traffic court judge to handle them. With an "I've heard this a hundred times, who the heck really cares, $100 plus court costs" attitude. (Even for the girl he sent to jail.)

When there were only about six of us left I was finally called up. I told the judge that I was nervous and I hoped he wouldn't mind if I referred to notes I'd written. He suddenly got very animated and said, "I don't understand you people who are nervous for traffic court. You and that other girl earlier. You are totally unsuitable for combat," and kind of looked at the bailiff and laughed as if to say, "Look at this idiot, she's going down at the first round of mortar attacks!"

Pardon?

I was so shocked that all I could say was, "Uhm, I'm not going into combat, Your Honor."

So that kind of threw me.

I proceeded to attempt to give my explanation of what had happened, all the while wondering why in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks the judge has referred to COMBAT. Am I not in traffic court?

I explained that while I don't have "positive points" here in Virginia (the point system here is such that certain offenses remove a certain number of "points" from your license, while every year you go without any offenses adds one "point" to your record), I haven't even been pulled over for more than 12 years (since I was in college). I have a very very good driving record and pride myself on being a safe, attentive, defensive driver. I was explaining that even though I don't have "positive points" here, it's only because I'm new to Virginia.

Somehow, I either did not manage to explain myself well, or (more likely) the scales of justice had been piling up on one side all morning, because all of a sudden the judge snapped.

I received a tirade about how many people die in Fairfax County every month due to traffic incidents. How it doesn't matter if I'm not a chronic offender, all it takes is one incident to kill someone. Etc, etc, etc, etc. It was as if he was making an example of me, only there was almost noone left in the courtroom to hear it.

Meanwhile, I started crying.

Meanwhile, I'm saying, "Yes, Your Honor." "I understand that, Your Honor." "Of course, Your Honor, I was only...."

Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "All these idiots with worse offenses went before me and you said not one word, and I'm the one getting yelled at?"

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly says, "I find you guilty and suspend the fine. Pay only court fees."

Huuuuhhh-errr? Wha...? I thought he was going to throw the book at me the way he went on and on and on and on, but then he suspended my fine?

The bailiff actually had to tell me to leave. I was so confused at the sudden change.

Court Fees: $62. Parking lot fees: $8. Time spent traveling to and waiting in court: 5 hours. Having a Traffic Court judge tell you you're "unsuitable for combat": Priceless!

Ill, Crafty, and Cheap

I'm sick. Whine whine whine whine whine. I KNOW. But I was just sick in January so to be sick again already is just a pain. I keep reminding myself of all the people in this world who are really sick, who really have something to whine about, and it makes me feel slightly better. Or at least keep my mouth shut. :)

I promise that this entire post will not be about me being sick, but I have one thing to get off my chest first. If I were President, I would overrule whatever stupid laws they wrote to take pseudoephedrine off the market (and I'd smack all those idiot druggies that caused them to pass the laws in the first place). Gimme back my magical quadfecta (hey, you've heard of a trifecta, right?) of cold-pill drugs: pseudoephedrine, guaifenesin, dextromethorphan, and acetaminophen. With all my years of ear troubles I have become somewhat of an expert on cold meds, and this combo of these four drugs is the best thing around. And then a bunch of druggies figured out how to make methamphetamine out of pseudoephedrine and now my beloved cold meds are off the friggin' market. There must be a better way to control this, since I can't imagine that it's actually inhibited the drug manufacturers in the least. And in the meantime, millions of cold-symptom sufferers receive inferior decongestants [fist pounded loudly and with much righteous indignation]. {Achooo!}

Anyway, since I've been logging lots of couch time I've been able to spend a bunch of time on the internet. And a couple of things have been striking me lately as I've been perusing ol' world wide web. First, I think that I do not give myself nearly enough credit for the stuff I know how to do. I tend to forget that not everyone is crafty. I've learned a lot but I think there is also just an inborn craftiness that some people possess and I am one of them; since it's so natural for me I usually forget that not everyone is crafty. So when I stumble upon things on the internet--such as tutorials for potato stamping and felt heart pins--I think, "Ummm, we need a tutorial for this?"


And obviously, according to the many comments on each of these tutorials, the answer is YES. Obviously everyone did not grow up with moms who covered the kitchen table in newspapers and broke out the paints and taught them how to make their own stamps out of potatoes (thanks, Mom!). Obviously everyone does not look at these cute heart pins and automatically have a tutorial pop up in their head. So I should really give myself some credit for all this cool stuff floating around in my brain. I really should. And heck! Maybe one of these days I will write a tutorial myself!

Those heart pins are so stinkin' cute, too. I think they'd make a really sweet mobile like this one from Pottery Barn Kids:


Except I would draw the ribbon down through the middle of the hearts (in between the two layers of felt) instead of just sewing the ribbon to one side of each heart. It would totally be cuter that way. If I get well in time to make this for Valentine's Day I just might do it and hang it over the dining table. I love hearts {and love!}!

The other thing that has been striking me as I've been wandering through internet land is, "Seriously? People will pay that much for that? Do they not know we're in a recession? Do they not know how little a freakin' Barbie actually costs?" Okay, the Barbie comment only came when I looked at one little etsy shop. One little shop where these two pairs of earrings


sell for $110. For each pair. (!) Is kitsch really that valuable? If anyone is interested in these earrings, please let me know. I will hook you up. Half price! :P

I know how mean I probably sound, and I don't mean to be mean. More power to the seller if she can sell this stuff at these prices (and based on her sales numbers, she can)! But buyers? Hellooooo? If my friend showed me these cool Barbie hand earrings she just bought for $110, I would have a hard time not smacking her upside the head. I do really like the Have a Heart Bust Pendant; I think it's clever and cute and funny. But for $180 it will not be going into my shopping cart. And The Kiss is genius; I'm sure somebody will snap it up (but for $525 it will surely not be me; not even if it were $125. Maybe if it were $25, but I'm cheap).

My friend Paulette recently forwarded me an e-mail full of lovely gift ideas and asked if I could make one of the items contained therein. She's super sweet and loves the rings but said she'd rather have them made by someone who's special to her. Is that the sweetest or what? Anyway, the price of these beauties in the e-mail made me gasp and I think I'll be able to do them for a fraction of the price. I can't wait to get the supplies in!

Did anyone out there try to order the Project 365 Kit of the Month from Becky Higgins and not get one? I accidentally got two (in my flurry of hitting refresh over and over, trying to get my order in) so if anyone wants one let me know and you can cover the cost for one of them.

Today I saw a commercial for the 20th anniversary of... get this... The Simpsons. Am I really that old? Cowabunga, dude! According to The Simpsons' official site, "Now the longest-running in television history, The Simpsons is celebrating two decades with a one-year celebration culminating on January 14, 2010, the 20-year anniversary of the series' debut!" So I guess it's only 19 years old. Whew! For a minute there I really thought I was getting old. :P

See you tomorrow for Favorite {Photo} Friday!

Zoom Zoom Zoom...

I have a friend, Chuck, who hates those old "Zoom-zoom" commercials. That little kid saying "Zoom-zoom" in a kind of whisper used to just set him right on edge. We could all freak poor Chuck the heck out by whispering, "Zoom-zoom" anywhere within his hearing. Anyone even remember which car company those were for? Oh, my trusty Google has revealed it was Mazda, and poor Chuck was not the only Anti-Zoom-Zoom. Those comments are pretty hilarious!

ANYway. Yes. Zoom-zoom-zoom indeed.

I am sort of almost getting a handle on all the custom orders. Today (for part of the day) I sat in my pajamas and hammered 13 rings for my Circle of Love necklaces while watching my DVR'ed episodes of CSI Miami and that pretty much rocked. Relaxation (pajamas) + accomplishing something (hammering rings) + relaxation (watching CSI Miami) + accomplishing something (clearing out the DVR) = super happy Cameron.

I also discovered how many people have named things "Circle of Love" on etsy and it made me want to change the name of my necklaces.

I've been thinking of random things and wanting to blog but we've been in-and-out (mostly out) of internet for the past day+. The super-smart Jason has almost figured it out and so we have internet on two or three (out of four, including John's laptop) computers. And I am super happy about that. 28 hours without internet meant I had 60 something unread messages when I logged back in (not even counting the spam). I am much better at the check-and-delete-often method when it comes to keeping up on the internet; any backlog freaks me out.

ANYway. Here are some random things/thoughts/feelings/emotions/whatever. After reading all my old random Myspace blogs that documented our transition from Italy to America and military to civilian I was really glad I wrote about those random things--the things that made me happy, annoyed, etc, on a daily basis. So here we go again. :)

After dropping my packages at the post office today I swung by Starbucks, thinking I could use their Wi-Fi to catch up on a few things. I am a dummy because I never had a laptop before and didn't know that you have to have an AT&T or T-Mobile membership or pre-paid pass to get to it. Of course I didn't discover that until after I'd already ordered a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate (SCHC) and settled into a comfy chair in the corner. The SCHC was okay as far as hot chocolate goes but not nearly as good as I'd thought it would be, and the $4+ I spent on it made me really glad I make my own espresso (cappuccinos, lattes, etc) at home. And you can, too--just buy one of these. (I also learned that Panera, Chick-Fil-A, and McDonald's all have free Wi-Fi. Take that, Starbucks!)

Katie called the other day and I wasn't here but she talked to Jason. They had an ice storm and are out of power and water and a tree had fallen across their long driveway, trapping them. Obviously I want to buy her a chainsaw for Christmas. Helloooooo, Katie? My friends must not be trapped. Give me a heart attack, why don't you? This is Mama Bear you're talking to!

Jen finally signed up for Inspired and I am SO FLIPPIN' BLOODY STINKIN' EXCITED I can barely stand it. I was ready to fly down to Georgia to drag her there myself. Thank you, Brett, Hater of Asparagus, for Jen's multi-occasion present! As if I could adore her any more, she went and posted this. I have no idea why but talk about making my DAY! :)

I adore Trader Joe's and their spectacular selection of super-cheap but super-good wine (not to mention their make-it-quickly foods that don't have high-fructose corn syrup). For real. They have Italian wine practically at prices we actually paid in Italy for them. It is amazing. All of their food is amazing! Yummy and healthy and amazing.


I delivered eight pearl necklaces to bride-to-be Sarah on Monday... she loved them so I'm thrilled! (Especially because I spent many hours on Friday and Saturday driving around to every bead store in a 50-mile radius to buy enough pearls!) She actually chose to have an all-pearl version rather than the Swarovski crystals shown here, but you get the basic idea. I made them 17" with a 2" chain extender; I wore this one tonight over a turtleneck sweater. I ended up liking it so much that I just might make it a normal listing in my etsy shop.

I went to book club last night as the leader of this month's selection, having read only 12 pages of the book. LORDY. Granted, I have read the book (The World According to Garp) before, but still. This is soooooo unlike me; hence, it's a good indication of how crazy things have been lately.

I really, really hate those Whopper Virgin ads from Burger King. They're so disturbing. Leave those people alone and stop poisoning them with that junk.

If I Were President I would enact a law that everyone who drives Mini Coopers, scooters, and motorcycles would be required to park in the back half of parking spots so everyone doesn't get excited about an open spot and start to turn in only to realize there is something already there that is just very tiny and then you have to do a weird movement with your car to stop turning in and it's just very awkward. If you drive a tiny vehicle it actually makes more sense to park in the back because eventually one of those people excited to find a spot who starts pulling in will just not stop in time (probably because they will be talking on their cell phone at the time) and will smoosh your cute little car or scooter. And that would be sad. So park wisely! :)

I love Abreva, even though it costs $17 for the tiniest tube of anything you've ever seen in your life. It works miracles. I also love Burt's Bees' Medicated Lip Balm with Clove Oil. It smells yummy, too!

I've been eating a lot of ruby red grapefruits because my awesome aunt Susan always orders them for us from Texas from Red Cooper. They are super sweet and so good! I really hate how your hands get gross when peeling citrus fruits (what is that, anyway?) but these grapefruit are totally worth it.

Okay, that's way too much all for now!

Taking this medicine may cause you to fall asleep during important activities such as DRIVING.

If Iiiiiiiiii were President... all commercials for prescription medication would be banned from television!

If I Were President...

No, this is not a political blog. At all. In any way, shape, or form. :) "If I were President" is a game that I used to play with my college friends. It goes like this:

When in a group of friends, one of us would loudly proclaim in a formal voice, "If Iiiiiiiiii were President..." (The "I" lasts about four seconds.) Then all of us would stop and listen, and the proclamation would continue with something like, "Professor So-and-So would stop looking at my boobs in class and give me an A for the semester." That was never said but I can't remember any of them and it seems plausible for college, yes? They were always silly things (or sometimes serious things) that were bothering us or getting on our nerves, and saying them in a funny way and/or having other people agree with us and/or laugh always helped. I still love playing this game, but Jason's not really into it, which takes all the fun out of it. But now I have a blog! And that means an imagined audience!

So! If Iiiiiiiiiii were President, there would be yellow or red lines painted about four feet away from every baggage carousel in every airport in the country (I'd say the world, but that might be a little greedy as President... but then again... oh, wait, I said this wasn't a political blog, I'd better stop now). The painted line would follow the curves of the carousel, but would just be outside of it by about three and a half or four feet, like a giant outline. AND, everyone who is picking up baggage would have to stand BEHIND that line, until they see their actual bag(s), at which point they can go up and haul it off of the carousel... which, of course, would be a lot easier since they don't have to worry about slamming it into the knees of other people since they are all standing where? Yes, behind the line. It also would be a lot easier to see when your bags are coming down the chute, because people aren't crowded around in a clump; they are all standing, yes, behind the line. And if I wanted to get all math dork on you, I could explain how the line would increase the diameter of the carousel, thereby allowing even more people to be in the "front row," as it were. But some people are afraid of geometry so I won't. Except I kind of just did. :P

The line could be a beautiful thing. So efficient. So civilized after those long flights in tiny seats when travelers are weary and cranky. Alas! It will never be. I would never could never will never be President, and even if I were, I would have a lot more important things to do than worry about airport baggage carousels. Which is kind of the point of the game (just in case you didn't get that). So don't send me nasty e-mails or post nasty comments, dork. [For the record this is a very long and drawn out "If I were President." Normally they are just a sentence, or at least just one breath. But obviously I've been thinking of this one for a while and wanted to elaborate.]

Obviously I was just an airport (or two, since that's kind how it works). :) I flew to Portland and then Mom, Dad, and I drove to Spokane for a visit with my sister's family and the baptism of my niece/God-daughter. (How many times must I incorrectly start typing niece and have to go back and fix it before I will just get it right the first time? Anyone?) Flying cross-country and going on a seven-hour (one-way) road trip (and back again, all in a week) was rough... but it was alllllll worth it to be there to hold the beautiful Lily when she was baptized and to hang out with my sister's family and friends.

It was Scrap Your Day on Sunday so I'm ploughing through 467 photos in between catching up on laundry and grocery shopping (and sleep!). :) Hope to post the highlights maybe on Sunday. Tonight Jason and I have a date involving grilled steaks, pasta, and some neighborhood dirt he found out while I was gone and hasn't told me yet (I know, I know, gossip is evil and bad and we shouldn't do it so don't send me nasty e-mails or post nasty comments). Tomorrow we are going to a Crawfish Boil with our friends Andrea and Scott . Super excited about that! I haven't seen Andrea since we walked the Avon Walk together so it should be a good food, good friends, good fun kind of day. Hooray!

Enjoy your Friday night, everyone! And while you're at it, tell me what you would do if you were President!