Monday, May 30, 2011

Half-Baked

When I first saw those two pink lines, I wasn't overwhelmed with a feeling of, "This is it, we're having a baby!" I was happy, naturally, and excited, but it was a cautious optimism. When I told Jason, he said something to the effect of it being "the first step," and I knew exactly what he meant. For us, getting pregnant was one little step towards actually having a baby.

I wonder what it would be like to be in ignorant bliss when you find out you're pregnant; to just assume with your whole heart and mind that two pink lines will equal a baby in about nine months. Of course I'll never know, because I've known the heartbreak of loss. I have friends who've experienced heartbreak in ways I hope I can never truly comprehend and come through the other side (with happy, healthy babies now in their arms, or on the way); they've served as such wonderful support throughout this journey, but knowing the tragic things that happened to them, far along in their pregnancies, is sobering to say the least. I take nothing for granted.

As I was journaling in those first few days, three words kept popping up so I made them my mantra... "Be positive, calm, and hopeful." Some days I think I said it a thousand times. My mind would drift and I'd pull it back to where I knew it should be, where and how I should be for both myself and the baby; positive, calm, and hopeful.

Still, as joyful as I was, it felt like I was waiting for things to come crashing down around me (again). I went to the bathroom many more times a day than I needed to, just to check that I wasn't bleeding. Every twinge made me stop in my tracks, waiting to see if it would turn into cramps, as I willed my abdominal muscles to relax and concentrated on providing a safe and welcoming place for our baby to be and grow.

Every day that things stayed the same felt like a tiny step taken.

Because of our history of loss & infertility, I had early ultrasounds. At six weeks we saw that the baby was implanted where it was supposed to be, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. Another step closer.

At seven weeks, we saw a tiny flicker-flicker-flicker and heard the whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of a heartbeat. Amazing, and another big step closer.

At nine weeks, the baby was continuing to grow as he/she should and my blood tests were a-okay and I was put on the normal pregnant lady schedule for appointments, as opposed to the "we'd better keep an eye on this one" schedule. One more step.

At thirteen weeks I had my first trimester screening, where they do a more advanced ultrasound to measure certain things and gauge the risk for chromosomal abnormalities. Bebe got rave reviews and was determined very low risk; my blood test came back the following week and moved Bebe's risk down to very, very low risk. Two more steps!

Gradually, I'm feeling more and more like things will actually work out and we'll have a baby in October; it almost feels too good to be true. I'm finding that less and less I'm qualifying things with, "assuming everything continues to go well," and instead I'm just assuming that everything will continue to go well. It's a peaceful feeling.

And now. Now, I'm 20 weeks. Halfway there. The bun in the oven is half-baked. There's still a long way to go (which will fly by), and every once in a while I still need to remind myself to be positive, calm, and hopeful. But 20 weeks feels like a big step closer.

It's definitely a big something, anyway. :)


Does this mean I'm "carrying high"? It certainly doesn't feel like it could get any higher.

Look, I managed to take a full-length photo of myself with my DSLR! (Here's an out-take from this photo session that shows how awful I am at this game. And is kind of hilarious. Maybe just to me.)

I realize that it kind of looks like I'm arching my lower back to push out my butt and belly, but I assure you, that's my actual ass. And belly for that matter.

We have our second trimester screening on June 14th, and I am so excited to see Bebe again on the fancy ultrasound. Hopefully, in addition to being healthy and passing all the tests, so to speak, he or she will feel like sharing and we'll get to find out whether Bebe is a he or a she. I'm excited to share that moment with Jason, to experience the wave of emotions that will come with either answer, and to maybe be surprised by what I/we feel. I'm excited to be able to use a single pronoun when referring to Bebe! There's so much I'm excited for. :)

Thank you for all the support here and on Twitter and Facebook and by e-mail; I can't tell you what it's meant to me. Now, let's have 20 more weeks or so, shall we?

23 comments:

Michele said...

Wonderful - so happy for you :)

Tammy_Skipper said...

I am so excited to "see" you at this stage. I am so excited to hear you are enjoying the journey and doing your best to focus on optimism. I LOVE that you blogged again and...just for the record, you confirmed that something I saw a couple of weeks ago is PERFECT for you!

Anonymous said...

You are so cute! And see? You haven't lost your a** either! Now you have a bump in the back and the front! Miss you!
Deitra :)

Melissa said...

Yeah! 20 weeks is a big milestone, a breathed a little easier after that ultrasound.

Are we taking bets? Is your rear always so Kardashian like? Because I'm saying girl, both my girls gave me a Kardashian worthy backside :-)

Sending lots of Love, Calm, Peace and Hope! Can't wait to meet her! (or him!)

Cheryl said...

So very, very happy for you!!!

summerdavid said...

Oh yeah, I'm totally guessing girl. :) You look AMAZING, KCam. So excited for you!

Wisconsin Girl said...

I was hoping for another picture soon and here it is, with a blog post to go with it! You look great and I am so happy to hear how well everything is going. I can relate to what you are going through and it brings back many memories of the difficulties we had. But I can also relate to your joy and there is nothing like it. I am SO happy and excited for you guys and am glad you are enjoying the pregnancy for all that it is. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your baby is going to have the best scrapbook/memory book/journal ever! Thanks for letting us follow along on your journey:)

love said...

i love this. yes...SO MUCH to be excited for. i'm excited for you.

and you look BEAUTIFUL. [and have a great booty!] =)

Tristina said...

You look GORGEOUS and healthy and so so so happy! I love all of this for you and this could not be a more special and more joyful time. The next half will fly by and you'll have a squishy little Baby Yates to snuggle and huff and take eleventy three gajillion pictures of.

Love love love you....

Lori Hudosn said...

What a beautiful picture of a beautiful Mama!

Lisa said...

Words can't really express how many smiles just went through my heart. I love you Chica! Tonight we are all raising our glasses to another amazing 20 weeks. xoxo!

Theresa said...

Wow! This made me so tearful. I can totally relate to so much of what you said, especially the part where you go to the bathroom much more often just to check (thought ony i did that)! Wish i had read this when i was pregnant with Colby (my first born) which was my second pregnancy, as you would have reminded me to stay calm, peaceful and hopeful. You are an inspiration and going to be the best little mommy!

I'll never forget the moment my little guy was born and all those emotions that flooded me; I waited my whole life to meet him. It was overwhelming and amazing. I can't wait for you to have that moment. wish I could tell you the worry goes away once they are born, hehe but once you look into those little eyes, you will definitely have a sense of relief!

Thanks for allowing us along on your journey! I hope you make a beautiful piece of jewelry with those words as a reminder of your experience....can't wait to see more pictures!

swonderful said...

:) i think it's a girl! yay!

Melissa said...

I'm so glad all is going well! Your story gives me so much hope that someday I'll be able to write the same thing.

You look beautiful. Wishing you a happy and healthy 20 more weeks!

kellie said...

OMG, halfway, halfway... YAY!!! I can't believe it's flying by so fast. And embrace the booty! Some people work hard to get a nice booty like yours ;) Wish I could hug/rub that belly! xoxoxo!

Ingrid Parmeter said...

Yay! This post made me smile.... so much! And it is good for me to read your experience because I WAS that ignorant bliss person---the realization of how much can go wrong and how much there is to lose did not hit me until that kid was THERE. I don't want to feel guilty that I was so unaware that there could be loss, but I want to honor it and say---how lucky I was. Life is precious.
Blessings on you and bebe! You look beautiful and happy. I am so pleased for you and Jason.

Jenn and Casey said...

You look great! You give me hope for pregnancy after loss... I have a frame created for two pregnant friends that said "You are safe. You are wanted. You are loved." I know your baby is very much all of those. Take care.
-Jenn (lurker:))

Julie said...

You look great!!! I can't believe you are 20 weeks already!

hapi said...

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libby @ ninesandquines said...

You are adorable! Xoxoxo

Cortney said...

You look GORGEOUS!!!

TEAM GIRL!!!

20 York Street said...

Oh Congratulations! Half way milestone - yay!

And yes, that photo is indeed beautiful!

besos,

ML
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Adventures In Babywearing said...

I'm a bit behind, but I must say you look fabulous and amazing.

Steph